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While it has been slowly happening the last few months, it happened officially this past Tuesday.
My twin daughters turned 11.
That’s not the thing that happened, by the way.
I mean, it happened, obviously. It was their birthday, they got presents, a weekend party is upcoming, but that’s not what I am talking about.
Their birthday – October 25th for those keeping score at home – was just the official start date.
Of my cringey Dad phase.
As I recorded video of my daughters opening their presents, I was informed of this.
“Dad! Stop being cringey.”
I hear that a lot.
So I am here to confess that, it turns out, I’m a cringey Dad.
I am still learning all the ins and outs of being a cringey Dad, but as far as I can tell, the most crucial part of me being a cringey Dad is just existing.
Dropping them off at school, talking with them at home, going to their sporting events… through it all, both of my daughters have just one simple request, a plea they make early and often.
“Dad! Stop being cringey!”
Making my daughters pose for a photo with me just before school on their birthday was, of course, cringey, but I did it anyways.
I can’t help it. Honestly, how can I correct behavior I am not even aware of?
I told my daughters I was writing this column and asked if they could help me narrow down just some of the many cringey things I do. A half-hour later they were still talking, but, in the interest of time (and, perhaps, to save some other Dads out there potentially falling into the depths of cringey), here are the...
Top 10 Cringey Dad Things I Do, according to my daughters:
1. I give them nicknames. I have specific pet nicknames for each of them, but I also often call both of them my “love bugs.” There is only one thing more cringey than this and that’s...
2. Calling them “Love Bug” in front of their friends or, what happens more often, at home when I walk by them while I’m unaware they are talking with their friends on the phone or when they are all playing Roblox.
3. I listen to cringey old people songs.
4. When the family goes swimming, I go shirtless. I thought I just had a typical Dad bod, but turns out I have a cringey Dad bod.
5. Sometimes if they are running late they will miss the bus and I have to drive them to school. And often I have been helping get the girls ready for school, so I am still in sweats and a t-shirt, maybe even my glasses (I wear contacts on air). My hair, what I have of it, is messy. They are horrified if I throw on a hat and drive them like that. High cringe factor. We are now at the point where I can’t drive them unless I have my contacts in and am wearing at least somewhat presentable clothes. Hats are strongly preferred.
6. The glasses, specifically, are an issue. I almost always wear contacts (daily), so I only wear the glasses when I go to bed or early in the morning. But, as I have been made aware, they are “Old man glasses” and are “super cringey.”
7. I like the candy “Bottlecaps,” which I used to have as a kid. So sometimes I’ll buy a box. Bottlecaps are old people candy and have a high cringe factor.
8. I always record video of them with my phone and am constantly taking photos of them and making them take photos with me, with their Mom, their brothers, friends, family, and each other. They just want to exist without feeling like they are on some cringey reality show.
9. For better or worse, they follow my social media. At least, on Instagram and TikTok they will constantly check out what I post, most of which is cringey, but nothing more so than when I post something looking down at the phone. This creates a “double chin” for me and my daughters often send me back my own posts with big red circles around my double chin telling me how cringey it is. I don’t know my best angles on social media.
10. And by far my worst offense of all is that I try to hug and kiss them on their heads whenever I can, sometimes even…wait for it…in public. Where people could see! Like their friends! SO CRINGE.
I am, your honor, guilty as charged.
I do all those things and more. Way much more.
And you know what?
I apologize for nothing. I will not stop. I will continue doing it. And try to find new and inventive ways to be a Cringey Dad. In fact, my goal is to be the, er, Cringey-est Dad ever?
When you have kids, I have found, every cliché is true. They are clichés for a reason – because everyone has experienced them. Time goes too fast and they aren’t little forever. In fact, I fear that ship has already sailed.
I jokingly told my daughters growing up that I needed them to “stay little forever.” They don’t listen. They never listen. And while I’ve seen it with my own eyes, of course, the fact is something about them turning 11 hit me. While they’ll always be Daddy’s little girls in my mind, the truth is… they are turning into young women.
Exceptional young women. They get good grades, they compete in gymnastics, soccer, basketball, junior cheerleading and dance. They have good friends and they’re so damn clever. The last two summers they’ve had a bracelet making business and they show up at neighborhood picnics, parties and sports gatherings selling bracelets and (added this year) snow cones. They made a killing. Did it entirely themselves.
They’re inquisitive and expressive and love to read, to collect things (currently, Squishmallows and Cats vs Pickles lead the clubhouse) and be outdoors.
They’re also funny and most important to their mother and me… good people. Completely opposite in personality, one is classic Type A and the other is Type B, but they are thick as thieves, have each other’s back and stand up not only for each other but for other kids who can’t. At our parent-teacher conference, we were told how there was one new kid in class who is a bit of an outcast. And the kid was eating lunch all by themself in the cafeteria. The girls saw this, got up from their friends and went over to sit with the kid so he wouldn’t have to sit alone. And have continued to do that until others now join them and it’s a group of kids eating lunch, the new student included. The girls never mentioned that to us. We had to hear it from their teachers.
They own my heart and they know it. And it breaks a little more every year they get older and more interested in friends and sports and starting to think about boys (oh man) and less interested in hanging out with cringey old Dad.
Which I why I am proud of my cringey Dad status. I was so happy when they gave me all the examples of how cringey I am and you know why?
It means I’m present in their lives.
Because hey, you can’t be cringey if you’re not around.
As much as I work it’s my biggest fear. That I’m not around enough.
So yeah, give me all the cringey insults. Tell me how much I horrify and embarrass you. That’s the job of a parent. To drive their kid nuts. I did it with their three brothers and now I am doing it to them.
Because as they continue to grow up, they’ll know I was there. They’ll know they were loved and supported and will begrudgingly admit they’re happy a lot of videos and photos exist of their childhood.
They’ll know that I love them more than anything in this world.
Because I work Sunday through Friday during the football season, Saturdays are often “Daddy-Daughter” days, and on a recent one I took them to get some ice cream. The place was in a big, busy parking lot and we had to park pretty far away.
And as we started walking towards the store, the girls instinctively grabbed my hand as we walked there. And my heart just melt into a million pieces.
Every single eye roll from my daughters for that? I’ll make that deal every single time.
So yeah, you’re damn right I’m a cringey Dad.
And heads up to all my kids if they’re reading this. One day, I intend to be a very cringey Grandpa.
Before we get to it, just a reminder that THIS Sunday morning, October 30th, we are taking Fantasy Football Pregame ON THE ROAD again!
This week we will be in Buffalo at Highmark Stadium, home to the Buffalo Bills. We’ll be broadcasting live from the parking lot (the camper section, I believe) from 11 am et to 1 pm ET. Come by and be a part of the broadcast. Can’t wait to see #BillsMafia live and in full effect. If you can’t be there be sure to tune into the show on Peacock TV (and the final hour will also be on CNBC). And then, of course, I’ll be doing Football Night in America that night live from the Bills sideline as Green Bay takes on Buffalo in the Sunday Night Game. So excited.
Let’s get to it. As always, Love/Hate is not a start/sit column but rather about expectations. “Loves” are players I expect to exceed their projections. “Hates” are players I expect to fall short. And if you live in a legal betting state and want to bet any of these player props, you can do so with a risk-free first bet of up to $1,000 at BetMGM if you use the promo code Berry.
Here we go:
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Quarterbacks I Love in Week 8:
Kyler Murray at Minnesota
Kyler Murray is top six this season among quarterbacks in both pass attempts and rush attempts. And both running and passing should be effective against the Vikings. Over the past four weeks, Minnesota is allowing the second-highest yards per pass attempt; they’ve also given up 45-plus rush yards to both Jalen Hurts and Justin Fields. So there’s a TON to like about this matchup for Kyler Murray. The only negative? This is Murray’s first game since “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II” hit stores last Friday and, well … the Internet has discovered that Call Of Duty releases correlate with bad performances from Murray. But by kickoff, Murray will have had nine full days to complete his missions. So I’ll roll the dice and keep him on the Love list. He’s my QB5.
Tua Tagovailoa at Detroit
Tua received a warm welcome in his return to action by the Pittsburgh Steelers last week, getting sacked zero times and receiving just a single hit in the entire game. He should be similarly well-treated this week by a Lions defense that has allowed opposing quarterbacks to complete a league-high 77% of their passes over the last four weeks. And the last three quarterbacks to face Detroit? All three have finished with a passer rating of at least 100, while Tua has 260-plus passing yards in all three of his full games this season. In a week in which Miami has the second-highest implied total on the slate (27.5 points), I have Tua as a similarly high QB6 for me.
Daniel Jones at Seattle
Week 7’s seventh-leading rusher? Daniel D. Dimes of the New York Football Giants. And on the season, Mr. Dimes trails only Lamar Jackson and Justin Fields in rushing yards by a quarterback. He also has more rushing yards in 2022 than Najee Harris, James Robinson, David Montgomery, AJ Dillon and Clyde Edwards-Helaire. It’s time we put some respect on Danny Dimes’ name. I mean, in this time of inflation, he at least deserves to be upgraded to Danny Quarters, right? This week Dan Quarters faces a Seattle defense that, over the past four weeks, is bottom-eight in pass defense and touchdown rate. Jones is QB9 in PPG this season, with 20-plus points in two of his last four. There’s every reason to think he makes it three of five on Sunday.
Others receiving votes: Injuries on offense have been a problem for the Saints, but their defense has been even worse. Over the past four weeks, the Saints are bottom-five in yards allowed per pass attempt, completion rate and passer rating. That means good things for Week 8 opponent Derek Carr … If only Carr could play against his own defense. Every quarterback to face the Raiders this season has scored at least 18 fantasy points. So give me some Andy Dalton in deeper leagues … Best I can figure is that Jim Irsay has Sam Ehlinger on his dynasty team? Jokes aside, (my Dad jokes are also high on my Daughters’ cringe Dad list), I honestly like Ehlinger’s fantasy upside due to his mobility. In his final two seasons at Texas, he had 15 rushing scores and more than 1,000 rushing yards. And Ehlinger’s NFL debut opponent, the Washington Commanders, has allowed four-of-six quarterbacks they’ve faced this season to score at least 17 fantasy points. I thought the fact that Frank Reich is going with Ehlinger and not Nick Foles (who he won a SUPER BOWL with!) and that Reich made a point of saying the fact they were going with Ehlinger over Matt Ryan had nothing to do with Ryan’s injury spoke to what they think they have in Ehlinger from what they’ve seen in practice. I mean, the Colts still have a real shot at winning this terrible division, so I not only like Ehlinger as a streamer this week, I think he’s a must-add in any deeper league or two QB/Superflex league.
Quarterbacks I Hate in Week 8
Aaron Rodgers at Buffalo
When Green Bay’s final play on Sunday in their loss to Washington came up short, Aaron Rodgers was spotted laying face-down on the turf, refusing to move. And to the trained eye, it was very obvious what Rodgers was thinking at that moment: “I can’t believe I now have fewer than 17 fantasy points in every game this season. I’m only QB21! Averaging just 13.8 FPPG! It’s so humiliating! And what chance do I have in Week 8 against the Bills, who have held five of the six quarterbacks they’ve faced this season to fewer than 14 fantasy points? I mean, they’ve allowed only five touchdown passes total this season, the third-lowest rate in the league! And they’re coming off a bye and will have had two weeks to prepare for me. I’m definitely going to be on Matthew Berry’s Week 8 Hate list, ranked outside of his top 16 at the position.” Well said, Aaron. Well said. And thanks for letting my Commanders win a game.
Trevor Lawrence vs. Denver (in London)
British royal watchers may appreciate seeing Trevor Lawrence‘s Prince Valiant-style hair on Sunday, but don’t be surprised if Lawrence struggles to find success even more than English forces under the Duke of Marlborough did at the Battle of Malplaquet in 1709. (That one was for all of my 18th Century European war stans. Appreciate you!) Lawrence has just one touchdown pass over his last three games and a completion rate under 55% in three of his past four. I don’t see things improving much against a Broncos defense that has allowed more than 12 fantasy points to a quarterback just once this season. And that was to Geno Smith, who can light anybody up. (Note: this Geno Smith sentence would have been written sarcastically a few weeks ago, but not anymore. Times? They are a’changing.) Lawrence is outside my top 20.
Running Backs I Love in Week 8
Ken Walker III vs. New York Giants
Most people don’t know this, but the “III” in “Ken Walker III” is a reference to the fact that Walker finished as RB3 in Week 7. It’s simply remarkable that his parents knew that was going to happen in Week 7 of the 2022 season way back when he was a newborn baby in October of 2000. I wish I could predict fantasy performances with such accuracy. But I’ll do my best with Walker for Week 8 right now. This week Walker faces a Giants defense that has allowed the second-highest YPC to backs this season (5.7) as well as 100-plus scrimmage yards to a back in five of seven games. In his two weeks as a starter, Walker is averaging 23.9 PPG and has 46 touches. He has also avoided 16 tackles — six more than any other back over that stretch. I have Walker as my RB VII this week.
Devin Singletary vs. Green Bay
The offense isn’t the only issue with the Packers. Green Bay’s defense is struggling right now, too. (And the special teams. And the coaching. And the front office. The accounting department is doing fine, though, so that’s good. And I hear good things about their merchandising intern. Future is bright!) Over the past four weeks, the Packers are allowing 133.5 rushing yards to running backs - fifth-most in the league. The Packers have also allowed 85-plus scrimmage yards to a back in six of their seven games. Meanwhile, as Green Bay dips, Devin Singletary‘s stock continues to rise. He has 15-plus touches and 90-plus scrimmage yards in three of his past four games. I have Singletary inside my top 15 RBs in Week 8.
Raheem Mostert at Detroit
Running backs who get 15-plus touches versus the Lions this season are averaging 18.4 PPG, while Raheem Mostert has had at least 15 touches in each of his last four games. No need to overthink this one. But if you’re the type who likes to overthink, have you ever pondered this one: Why do cows the world over only face north or south when grazing, never east or west? How can that be? Every cow everywhere ever refuses to graze east-west. Do we live in a simulation? Is that proof? Did the programmers think we’d never notice the cow thing? And do people know that the Lions have allowed 10 rushing touchdowns to backs this season, tied for the most in the league? Or how that fact is another reason I have Raheem Must-Start ranked inside my top 13 RBs this week? So much to think about.
Others receiving votes: Breece Hall‘s injury is the latest evidence that the New York Jets have absolutely zero luck. But hopefully many of you were lucky enough to have Michael Carter sitting on your league’s waiver wire this week. Because with James Robinson just learning the offense, Carter will likely get the bulk of the Week 8 work against a Patriots defense that allowed 70-plus scrimmage yards to a running back in each of its past four games. Carter also happens to average 17.9 PPG in his six career games with 15-plus touches … The Buccaneers defense discovered last week that D’Onta Foreman is not exactly going along with his organization’s decision to tank the season, as Foreman ran for 7.9 YPC on 15 carries in Carolina’s stunning upset, including 71 yards AFTER contact. Foreman is now averaging 111.7 scrimmage yards in his six games with 15-plus touches since the start of last season. Yes, a lot of his yardage came on one big run, but those big plays are a part of his game. With Chuba Hubbard banged up, Foreman is a viable flex against the Falcons … Even with James Conner back, know that Eno Benjamin has 45-plus scrimmage yards in four of the five games Conner has played this season. He should do it again for deeper league players against a Vikings defense that ranks bottom-10 in receptions and receiving yards allowed to backs … Knowing Ezekiel Elliott, he will try very hard to play through his injury. I mean, the dude partially tore his PCL last year and didn’t miss a beat. But whether Zeke misses this game or even if he’s active, he’s likely to be limited. Fire up Tony Pollard, and if Zeke is out, Pollard is an easy top-10 play.
Running Backs I Hate in Week 8:
James Conner at Minnesota
While I’m in on Eno Benjamin this week, I’m out on James Conner. And it’s all because of the rolls. Wait, no. Not the “rolls.” The only reason you eat at Red Lobster is because of the rolls. I meant to say “because of the roles.” There we go. It’s all because of the roles. While Benjamin matches up well against a Vikings defense that gives up production to pass-catching backs, Minnesota doesn’t yield much on runs. In fact, over the past four weeks, the Vikings have allowed the second-fewest rushing yards per game to backs. And Conner hasn’t produced so far this season against good, bad or average run defenses. He’s been held under 65 scrimmage yards in four of his five games and has just one game this season in which he’s averaged more than 3.7 YPC. If you start Conner, you’re hoping he falls into the end zone for a TD, which could happen, but with DeAndre Hopkins back, there’s also a good chance they just call a goal line fade or five. I have Conner outside the top 20 backs in Week 8.
Darrell Henderson vs. San Francisco
Henderson is the clear RB1 on the Rams with Cam Akers out of the picture. That’s the good news. The bad news is that no one produces like an RB1 against the San Francisco 49ers. The 49ers have allowed 60-plus scrimmage yards to a back just once this season, and that was to Christian McCaffrey. Maybe they were just trying to be nice so he’d come play for them, right? And don’t forget: San Francisco’s defense has shut down the Rams’ running attack once already this season. In their Week 4 matchup, Rams backs combined for just 52 scrimmage yards on 18 touches. Just stash Kyren Williams please and try to avoid this backfield this week.
AJ Dillon at Buffalo
For years I have been at the forefront of the #FreeAaronJones movement. But movements have to adapt over time to survive. As such, I declare that on this day, #FreeAaronJones is hereby renamed #FreeLiterallyAnyoneInTheGreenBayOffenseToProduceFantasyPointsOfAnyKind. Granted, that may be too long to work as a hashtag on most social media outlets, but I think it gets across the important information. That information being: Green Bay’s offense stinks. AJ Dillon, for example, has six straight games with fewer than 10 fantasy points and last week saw season-lows in both snaps and touches. And with Jones being used more in the passing game, Dillon is unlikely to see the field a ton this week in a game in which the Packers are 11.5-point underdogs. Running the ball isn’t likely to go much better, as Buffalo has allowed the third-fewest rushing yards per game (58.7) to running backs over the last four weeks. I predict my catchy hashtag will be trending everywhere on Sunday. Dillon is outside my top 40 backs.
Pass Catchers I Love in Week 8:
A.J. Brown vs. Pittsburgh
It’s Philly versus Pittsburgh week. Wawa versus Sheetz. Cheesesteaks versus fries on top of everything. Amish farmers versus … uhh … Civil War soldiers at Gettysburg? Look, I don’t know a ton about Pennsylvania, okay? What do I look like? Some kind of state expert? I barely know the name of the state I live in, New Connectisetts. So consider yourself lucky that I even got two Pennsylvania references in that made sense. So anyway, while I don’t know much about the Sunshine State, I do know that over the past four weeks, Pittsburgh is allowing a league-high 231 yards per game to wide receivers, as well as the second-most deep receptions over that stretch. I also know that Brown has a 30.5% target share on the season, seven-plus targets in every game and multiple red zone targets in three of his last four games. Finally, because of all that, I know that Brown is inside my top seven for Week 8, just as Pennsylvania’s famed Lake Michigan is in America’s top seven lakes.
DeAndre Hopkins at Minnesota
DeAndre Hopkins looked as good as ever in his first game back from suspension, like he didn’t miss a beat. (As such, the league will probably now be sure to test him a few extra times.) Hopkins had a 48% target share in his return to action, including being targeted on 50% of his routes. That kind of usage portends big things against the Vikings, as wide receivers who have seen seven-plus targets versus Minnesota this season average 17.0 PPG.
Chris Olave vs. Las Vegas
It took Chris Olave exactly one week to adjust to the NFL. Because since Week 2, the rookie is WR10 in PPG and has a 30% target share over that stretch. He’s also put up five straight games with 80-plus receiving yards or a touchdown. When the Red Rifle is not throwing it to the other team, he’s throwing it to Chris Olave. So while Olave has adjusted to life in the NFL, the Raiders organization is still working on it. Over the past four weeks, Vegas is allowing the sixth-most yards per game to wide receivers and the fourth-highest catch rate. Olave keeps it rolling in Week 8 with the Red Rifle. He’s my WR16.
Pat Freiermuth at Philadelphia
When not landing in the hands of opposing defensive backs, Kenny Pickett‘s passes have frequently been falling into the waiting arms of Pat Freiermuth. Gen Z Health Miller has a 23% target share in his five full games this season, with nine-plus targets in three of those games. And while the undefeated Eagles are a tough matchup for the 2-5 Steelers, it’s not a bad matchup for Freiermuth. Opponents regularly target the middle of the Eagle defense with the tight end position. The Eagles have faced 10-plus targets to tight ends in each of their last two games and surrendered 72 yards to the position when they last played in Week 6 against Dallas. Freiermuth is a top-five TE this week.
Others receiving votes: Don’t give up on D.J. Moore just yet. In P.J. Walker‘s two starts, Moore has a 40% target share. Meanwhile, his opponent this week - the Atlanta Falcons - has allowed the most receptions to wide receivers over the last four weeks … Brandin Cooks is another highly-drafted receiver in line for some positive regression. He has a target share of at least 20% in five of six games this season. This week he faces a Titans defense that, over the past four weeks, ranks bottom-five in receptions and yards allowed to wide receivers … Brandon Aiyuk has back-to-back games with 11 targets, 25-plus YAC in four straight games and the Rams have allowed the second-most YAC to wide receivers this season. Lots to love about Aiyuk facing the Rams this week … The Cardinals have surrendered either five-plus catches or 50-plus yards to a tight end in six of seven games this season, and their six touchdowns allowed to the position this season is tied for the most. So let’s welcome their Week 8 opponent, Irv Smith, to the TE streaming life.
Pass Catchers I Hate:
Diontae Johnson at Philadelphia
I’ve got all kinds of bad Diontae Johnson stats for you today. What do you want? You want bad TD stats? Then you’ll love this: Johnson is the only wide receiver in the NFL this season with 50-plus targets and zero touchdowns. Can I interest you in dreadful aDOT numbers? Johnson is seeing a career-low 5.0 yards per target on the season. You like terrible YAC? Then check this out: Johnson’s 43 total yards after the catch this season is tied for 90th among wide receivers. Oh, you prefer negative matchups? Then feast your eyes on the fact that Philadelphia allows the lowest catch rate to perimeter wide receivers and that Johnson will likely get the Darius Slay shadow. That’s right. I have all the bad Diontae Johnson stats you could ever want. And they can all be yours for just $500! (Please don’t print out or copy and paste the preceding paragraph. Thanks. It kills my business plan.) Johnson is outside my top 20 wide receivers in Week 8.
Christian Kirk vs. Denver (in London)
Denver allows the third-fewest yards per game to the slot on the season and they also have yet to allow a slot touchdown. The Broncos have also allowed 60-plus yards to a wide receiver only three times in seven games this season. Meanwhile, Christian Kirk has fewer than 25 yards in two of his last three games. It’s not a great matchup for him. But, hey, It wouldn’t be an official NFL slate in London if the Jacksonville Jaguars didn’t play poorly. I think they’ll make things official this week, at least from a fantasy standpoint. Kirk is outside my top 25 wide receivers.
Darren Waller at New Orleans
He’s TE18 on the season in PPG, TE23 overall. He has just one game on the season with a target share of 18% or higher. One game with more than 50 yards. Two games with fewer than 25 yards. This week he faces a New Orleans defense that has surrendered zero touchdowns to tight ends on the season. Only one tight end has posted more than 25 receiving yards against the Saints all season. Yes, it’s true what you’ve heard: Darren Waller is dressing up for Halloween this season as a low-end TE2. SCARY!
Matthew Berry – The Talented Mr. Roto – has also been known to be a cringey fantasy analyst from time to time.
